Early humans lived in hostile environments, full of predators and life-threatening problems around every turn. If our ancestors hadn’t been nervous wrecks with a huge negativity bias, they wouldn’t have lived long enough to become our ancestors. The anxiety to which we are heirs occasionally still serves us…but for the most part, it just makes us miserable.

A massage is a great time to remind your nervous system that you don’t have to run from any giant prehistoric cats – at worst you might have a 10 pound tabby pouncing on your toes under the blankets at night. The last thing you want is for the ancient, risk-averse circuitry of your brain to cause you unnecessary anxiety while you’re being massaged. Here is an incomplete, but hopefully informative and entertaining, list of things you don’t have to worry about when you’re getting massaged.

1. Falling asleep, snoring, or drooling.

The massage therapist who inspired my own career used to say, “I consider snoring applause, and drooling a standing ovation.” I am on the same page! If you are so relaxed you’re napping on my table, or your facial muscles have gone slack enough for you to drool, that tells me the session is going well. And don’t forget, I have to abide by HIPAA standards – I can’t even legally tell anybody I’ve worked with you without your permission, so you can snore in confidence and anonymity. Nobody is going to report you to anybody!

2. Digestive noises.

A lot of people are embarrassed by their digestive tracts making noise during a session – little throat gurgles, stomach growls, or the occasional unplanned gas release. Similar to falling asleep on the table, these are all good signs – the parasympathetic (relaxing) portion of the nervous system stimulates digestive and eliminatory processes. I do not think any less of you for having a working digestive system…I’ve got one, too!

3. Not having shaved.

That’s okay – a lot of people never shave at all, and that’s all good, too. (I mean, what the heck – we’re in Santa Cruz!) If it’s friction you’re worried about, don’t be. Jojoba oil keeps my work smooth, even if you haven’t touched a razor in a while…and the chemical composition is so similar to the natural moisturizers in our skin that it won’t leave you feeling oily.

4. Needing a bio-break.

Need a tissue? Water? A bathroom break mid-session? Just say the word! Being uncomfortable and distracted is the opposite of what I want for you during your session. There’s no need to worry about breaking the flow of my work with you – I’ll pick up where I left off just fine!

5. Telling me what you need.

As of this writing I have been in practice as a massage therapist for nearly 20 years. I’m pretty intuitive and there’s a lot that I easily figure out on my own, but you are the world’s top authority on you. If you have information about your needs that I don’t, by all means, please tell me! Ask for more or less support under your ankles or knees, tell me you need another blanket, let me know if the pressure I’m using is more or less than you want…and do it with impunity! You are the person of the hour while you’re on my table, so think of yourself as a VIP.